he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
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Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
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I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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