smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You took a bar mat shot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
