i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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