Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.