I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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