So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
