I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
