I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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