In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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