I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He told me they were just razor bumps!
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
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Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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