Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
