im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
