I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
