I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
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Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?