Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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