She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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