Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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