Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
