6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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