I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
