I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
