just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
