update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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