you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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