went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
