I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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