i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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