So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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