i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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