I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
