I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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