I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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