i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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