How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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