mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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