I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend