Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
