Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize