Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
