I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
