i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
