Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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