you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
