why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
