We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
where are you?
Hypothermia
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
