I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
