ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
