I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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