I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
