I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
