The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In other news, I just burned my penis
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
