Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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