i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
