I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
